The New Man in My Life

First things first.
My apologies for being a terrible/horrible/horrendous blogger.
I have been busy as hell, and when I do find a free moment, I'm a total slacker.
So, for those of you who have checked this blog faithfully, I want to say thanks, and, sorry. I hope to be a little bit better about posting.

In other news, I want to talk about my new man.
Mr. Clean.

Sure, you've used his liquid cleaners. But, ask yourself:
Have I tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser yet?

If your answer was "No," you need to get real. Because you are working too hard to clean your shit.

My bathroom was in really bad shape.
And when I say really bad shape, I mean, there was shit growing in there that I was afraid would spore out and make new colonies in my hair, skin, and mouth.

Bathing loses that refreshing feeling when you step out of the shower feeling dirtier than when you stepped in.
So, when we invited friends, and their baby, over for dinner, it was time to get down to the nitty-gritty. After all, I didn't want to be responsible for infecting our friend's child with a wild-mold-spore disease.

I got the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and did practically nothing except wave it over the nasty film of my tub, sink, and shower walls. And, as if Jesus were there waving his hands over my bathroom, blessing its near-damned soul, it was clean.

Go buy the Magic Eraser.
Like the holy gift of the ATM, you will wonder how you functioned in society before this product existed.

A Little Dish Music

Call me crazy, but, I love doing dishes.

It's my therapy.

I have a dish schedule, a dish routine, and a deep love and respect for rubber gloves.

Sure, sometimes after entertaining, I procrastinate a little.
I've winced once or twice at the caked-on sauces and dried-on rice grains, but, overall, I like standing in front of the sink.

One of the best things about doing dishes is listening to my music. I have a dinky-boom-box my Dad got me in high school that lives on our kitchen table and I pop in all my favorite CD's and listen to my favorite radio station.

These are the moments I treasure. And, though you may not want any insight into my soul, here it is anyway, my most listened to dish music...maybe it'll inspire you to go get some Casabellas and step up to the sink.

#1


#2


#3


Or, maybe you're like this bitch:


Of course she doesn't! She's too busy being a filthy whore.

FUCK DISHWASHERS.


Dish time. = Me time.

Call me sad, but, bubbles and suds make me very happy.

Have a great weekend...and don't let those dishes pile up!

Rubber Glove-y, You're the One.

All Hail! The geniuses at Casabella have made the BEST GLOVES EVER!!!

I saw these little gems at Duane Reade while debating what kind of scrubber to buy for, my then, heinous tub.

I'll admit, their spiffy packaging was what caught my eye, but, after reading the label's promises (Tapered, snug fit; Cotton flock lining; and Patented cuff!), I decided, for $5.99, I had to buy the gloves.

Well, hot-damn, these gloves deliver on every promise they make, and, in addition, I've found they actually smell kinda nice, a sort of sweetness surrounds their girly-goodness. Not that typical latex-y grossness.

And, can we discuss the fact that they're PINK people! Sooooo much more fun than the yellow-turd gloves that make you look and feel more like a floatation device than a sexy, French maid...

So, get flirty in the suds! These are super durable, don't get water logged, smell pretty, and they're frikkin PINK!!!

Just one more reason why dishwashers are for LAME-Os!!!!

Brooklyn Bitch's Cleaning Essentials

A new week begins.

And so, as I do almost every week, I've promised myself that I am going to scrub the fuck out of the bathroom.

Not my favorite chore. But, each time I do it, I get better at it.

It's like your math homework from back in the 9th grade. You bitched and bitched about having to do it, thinking you were a dumb-ass. And, then you did the work, and it fuckin' sucked, but, by the end, you knew your shit.

Your Mom was right.

So, here are a few products that are my cleaning staples. I don't believe in having different products for different rooms. Blah, blah, blah. If the fuckin' spray can't disinfect the toilet as well as the counter, then FUCK the spray.

So, while we're on the subject, let's look at the two multi-purpose sprays that are da bomb diggity shit:

1. Mr. Clean^© Antibacterial Multi-Surface Spray

Best spray EVER.
This stuff works great in the kitchen on dirty and/or greasy counters, AND, it also kicks some serious ass in the bathroom in toilets and around the sink area.
I also use this spray on glass table tops, mirrors, and lacquered wood.
I live and swear by this stuff.


2. Febreeze^©

If you don't have a bottle already, you've been living like a dirty hippie for too long. This stuff is a Godsend. Now, I'm not saying that you should use Febreeze^© instead of laundering your clothing and towels (and, I did knew some dirty frat boys once upon a time who used Febreeze^© as an alternative to TIDE^©), but, if you're a few days overdue for a washing and your stuff's a little funky, this stuff is great. A spritz or two on the couch before guests arrive, and they'll think you've been cleaning all day.
Huzzah, it's like deodorant, for cloth!

3. Soft Scrub^©

This stuff is possibly the best tub solution on the market. It is PERFECT for all you lazy people out there who just want to "wax-on, wax-off." All you do, is pour some of this stuff onto the nastiness in your tub, wait 15-30 minutes, go back and lightly scrub with a sponge. Simple and easy. And, though it does have a slightly bleachy smell, it's way milder than actual bleach, and not nearly as harsh!

4. Swiffer^© Dusters

Um, these are frikkin' awesome.
They actually perform better than Swiffer^© gives them credit for in their commercials. These little powerhouses not only latch onto dust like muthafuckas, they even pick up small dirt particles and other nastiness that's collected in and around your couch. They rock, as do most Swiffer^© products, if you ask me!

Go little nesters, take your new weapons and motivate.

The battle rages on...

Dirt Devil© Broom Vac Sucks

One of the the worst things ever is mopping the fucking floor.
So, when you actually motivate to mop, or Swiffer^© Wet Jet, or what-have-you, you don't want to be deterred by a piece of shit, fucking electric broom.

Stages of Floor Mopping:

1.Electric Broom and/or Sweep Floor
2.Mop Floor
3.Allow Floor to Dry
4.Enjoy Clean Floor

Simple, no?

So, when I received the Dirt Devil^© Broom Vac from my mother as a gift, I was stoked. 'Cause, let's be real, sweeping fucking sucks in every way possible.

This "Broom Vac" has no suction WHATSOEVER, nor is it a good broom independent of the vacuum feature. Just because the folks in the commercial are dancing around like jackasses and putting on what looks like a high school musical in their kitchen, does not mean that this contraption does jack-shit.

Bottom Line: This is a large paperweight, piece of shit. I realize some other electric options aren't as "affordable," but, buying this "Broom Vac" would be like throwing your money in a huge, burning trash bin.

Save your cash and get a dustpan, bitches. This hunk of junk BLOWS.

The Brooklyn Project: And God said, "Let There Be...Floor?"

Yes, my bitchin' nesters, the lord hath shone his light on me.

After many baby steps into the bedroom (and then back out again), I learned that I do, indeed, have a floor.

At first I was all Pauly Shored out, like, whoa, what is this wood-like substance?

But then, I came to realize that when you pick up 6 months worth of clothing, both clean and dirty, a whole new world is revealed: Hard Wood Floors!

Let's look at the before picture, shall we?



Eeek fest. That is a true tragedy. And, let me tell you, I'm no where near being finished. Rome wasn't built in a day, but, I've definitely made some headway.


Now, feast your eyes on the fruit of my highly motivated labor:





Hosanna and Hallelujah!

What to Expect When You Clean Your Bedroom:

1. Be prepared to throw shit away people.
I mean clothes, old books, magazines, used tissues, and worse.

2. Get a Ziplock^©! There's change EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I struck it rich down there in the bowels of the bedroom! Don't walk people, run! Your fortune awaits you. (Results Not Typical)

3. Don't expect to finish.
Do enough work to see a difference, then take a break. The longer it takes to shape the place up, the more you'll aim to keep it in that condition.

Motivate nesters! I haven't felt this accomplished in weeks!
Go, re-discover your floors!
God made them for a reason!

Flipping Your Dishwasher the Bird

First things first. Fuck you if you have a dishwasher.

Why? Because, even though I'm about to tell you that by doing your dishes by hand you are helping sweet birds and other creatures, I still wish I had a goddamn washer for those nights when shit has to get done and I don't want to be the one to do it.

Now, with that out of the way...

I was reading the back of my Dawn^© bottle the other day and wondered, as I scrub-a-dub-dubbed the shit that was caked onto a plate from the previous night's dinner, if I actually was making a difference to some poor, helpless, little bird out there in the world. Had Dawn^© given me altruistic powers even I was unaware of?

Apparently. If you check out Dawn^©'s website, you can see that soap actually saves a shitload of our aquatic friends, fish and fowl alike. So, there is an upside to doing the dishes...or at least to buying the soap...

Sure, after a four course dinner, dishes are a big-assed-bitch. But, think of the birds people. Think of the birds.

A Nifty Nester Tip:
Did you know that your six-er of PBR is a sure-fire way to fuck up the lives of many a bird?!

Cut these nooses of death UP bitches!!!

I fucking hate Seagulls, but, the thought of them choking to death on a beach somewhere gets me down.

To Motivate, or not to Motivate...

So, you've established the tasks at hand.

You bought your trash bags, you have your Swiffer armed and ready with fresh dust grabbing power, and you've put on your grungy sweat pants that you won't wear out in public anymore.

Yes, it would seem you are ready for what was called in Vietnam, the shit. But then, you realize you've forgotten one thing: The Motivation.

You're ready to bring it, but, it just hasn't been brought.

So what do you do when you have all the tools, but, your couch suddenly seems like it should be made the top priority?

Fuck it.

Seriously, take a load off. You've accomplished the main thing. You got your shit together. Now, take a moment to reward yourself. The motivation will come eventually. Enjoy the filth for one more day. Have a nice, stiff drink, and just look at yourself...

It takes guts to wear those sweat pants.

The Brooklyn Project

The Manhattan Project was a bunch of scientists who threw together a little ol' thing called the atom bomb.

In my apartment, it looks like my life and all my possessions were hit by the atom bomb.

So, out of necessity and strife, The Brooklyn Project was born.

If you're anything like me, you love cleanliness, but you fucking hate cleaning. The Brooklyn Project is a step-by-step guide for slowly taming the chaos that is your living space.

I'm going to fix this place up, bit by muthafuckin' bit.
Yes, in the next few weeks, learn how to make that mountain of shit, into a molehill of dookie.

And, you know how you "clean" the table by shoving all the shit on the table into a drawer that's already jam-packed with shit from the last time you "cleaned" the table?

Yeah, that's not what this is about.

So go buy some trash bags and a Swiffer^©, bitches. It's cleanin' time.