Won't YOU Be My Neighbor?

This is the conclusion I've come to: You either love your neighbors, or, you fucking hate them.

So, when addROC and I met our apartment neighbors and they were decent, we were like, bonus!

Little did we know that lurking right next door was a huge jerkface muthafucka.

Yes, our neighbor one building over is a total asshole. He gives us shit for putting trash out in front of our own apartment building, claiming that he has to "clean up" after our messes.

Now, I am Brooklyn Bitch of The Brooklyn Fucking Nester, I do not MAKE messes. I clean them, bitches. So this dude just pissed us off.

Well, a while back, our fucknut-of-a-neighbor started piling bricks up on and around his stoop. Lots of fucking bricks. So, when addROC and I saw our nemesis moving this assload of bricks into his building, we became suspicious.

Lo and behold, we were grilling out on our roof, and I happened to look over the edge into our neighbor's "yard."


It's always been a dump down there, but, it seems that he has made preparations to build upon that dump. And, though I cannot say with any amount of certainty, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't have a permit for such expansion.

What's worse is that we think, by the looks of it, that he is building more apartments. Whack.

Even Mr. Rogers himself would ban this douchebag from the neighborhood.

But, I'm no whistle blower, so, the atrocities will continue...

Korean BBQ in 'Da Burg: Dokebi Bar & Grill

So as the result of losing a bet to addROC, the beeotch, I had to buy him dinner.

He decided on Dokebi Bar & Grill on Grand Avenue between Bedford and Driggs Avenues in Willamsburg.

We ordered the Spicy Ribeye, which came with a bunch of great little sides to add to your beef and lettuce wrap: Black and White Rice, Black Beans, Cucumber, Kimichi, Watercress, Onions, and Soybean Paste.

Everything was super fresh and tasty, not to mention very pretty.

But, the best part was cooking at our table with our own lil' BBQ Grill right in the center! I felt like a little kid in arts and crafts class!

Check out our mad grillin' skills:


This place was fun, tasty, and if you hit it at happy hour you can get two draft beers for the price of one! Now who can turn that down?

We highly recommend this joint.

Mmmm...BBQ...

Dirt Devil© Broom Vac Sucks

One of the the worst things ever is mopping the fucking floor.
So, when you actually motivate to mop, or Swiffer^© Wet Jet, or what-have-you, you don't want to be deterred by a piece of shit, fucking electric broom.

Stages of Floor Mopping:

1.Electric Broom and/or Sweep Floor
2.Mop Floor
3.Allow Floor to Dry
4.Enjoy Clean Floor

Simple, no?

So, when I received the Dirt Devil^© Broom Vac from my mother as a gift, I was stoked. 'Cause, let's be real, sweeping fucking sucks in every way possible.

This "Broom Vac" has no suction WHATSOEVER, nor is it a good broom independent of the vacuum feature. Just because the folks in the commercial are dancing around like jackasses and putting on what looks like a high school musical in their kitchen, does not mean that this contraption does jack-shit.

Bottom Line: This is a large paperweight, piece of shit. I realize some other electric options aren't as "affordable," but, buying this "Broom Vac" would be like throwing your money in a huge, burning trash bin.

Save your cash and get a dustpan, bitches. This hunk of junk BLOWS.

Bag O' Tomatoes: Step 1 - Sweet, Sweet Tomato Love

Yay!!! So we finally found some time to get busy with our bag of Tomato Magic!

How the Hot Tomato Love Went Down:


Above:(Left) An expanded peat-pellet in a Tupperware^© (Right) Peat-pellets before expansion and Tomato seeds.

1. We put one, thin peat-pellet into a Tupperware.^©
2. We poured 1/2 cup warm water over the pellet.
3. Then we waited around 5 minutes for the pellet to expand.
4. We fluffed the peat on the surface of the pellet.
5. We sowed 2 tomato seeds.
6. Then we ran and hid it in a dark place, and we're leaving it there until we see some sweet, sweet sprout action...

Seriously though, who knew tomatoes were so frikkin' sexy?!

addROC's Kitchen: 2 Nights, 2 Meals

Mmmm...veggies from Union Square's Greenmarket.
These were the colorful ingredients my boyfriend, addROC, chose to cook with this weekend.

Here at The Brooklyn Nester, Brooklyn Bitch does a lot of nesting, but, not a lot of cooking. I leave that task to persons with the know-how, and I'll do the dishes...I promise.

Join me as I highlight the delicious eats that we enjoyed this weekend here at The Brooklyn Nester in addROC's Kitchen.

Night #1: Just the Two of Us

Pork Chops with a Spicy Orange Glaze
Tomato, Fennel, Onion, and Ham Salad with a Parmesan Dressing
Fresh Sweet Corn


Absolute perfection. And, the colors were beautiful. Something pretty always tastes better!

Night 2: Grilling for Friends

Salsa Verde
Fried Fresh-Corn Fritters
Dirty Rice with Pork Sausage
Cucumber and Onion Salad with Thai Sweet-Chili Dressing
Grilled Garlic-Shallot Burgers Topped with Cheddar, Onion, and Tomato

Salsa Verde
Fried Fresh-Corn Fritters
Dirty Rice with Pork Sausage
Cucumber and Onion Salad with Thai Sweet-Chili Dressing

Grilled Garlic-Shallot Burger Topped with Cheddar, Onion, and Tomato


Huzzah for men who can cook, 'cause I sure can't!

Many thanks to addROC for another delicious weekend.

Enjoy the rest of yours!

Garbage Men Are A Lot Like Umbrellas

You know how your mom used hand you an umbrella as you walked out the door, and then you had to drag it everywhere with you, all day, and then it didn't fucking rain?

Do you remember getting smart?

You told your mom to fuck off and left the house without your umbrella.
You rebel, you.
And then, it fucking poured.

I find that the NYC Sanitation Department is something like my mom's mystical umbrella.

The Brooklyn Nester's garbage day is Wednesday. So, Tuesday night, we either motivate to bring down all our shit OR we decide that we're waking up early enough to get it all down to the curb before the fat lady sings.

I can't fucking win though.
If we convince our drunk asses to bring all the trash down at 1AM...it is still sitting on the curb when I leave the apartment at 8AM.

If we don't take it down, that shit-ass-muthafucka of a garbage truck will inevitably wake me up at 6AM.

Bullshit people. Utter bullshit. How am I expected to Nest under these conditions?!

I sometimes think that throwing my umbrella in the trash could offset this quandary, but, I fear combining these two mysterious sources of power would result in immediate and certain death.

The Brooklyn Project: And God said, "Let There Be...Floor?"

Yes, my bitchin' nesters, the lord hath shone his light on me.

After many baby steps into the bedroom (and then back out again), I learned that I do, indeed, have a floor.

At first I was all Pauly Shored out, like, whoa, what is this wood-like substance?

But then, I came to realize that when you pick up 6 months worth of clothing, both clean and dirty, a whole new world is revealed: Hard Wood Floors!

Let's look at the before picture, shall we?



Eeek fest. That is a true tragedy. And, let me tell you, I'm no where near being finished. Rome wasn't built in a day, but, I've definitely made some headway.


Now, feast your eyes on the fruit of my highly motivated labor:





Hosanna and Hallelujah!

What to Expect When You Clean Your Bedroom:

1. Be prepared to throw shit away people.
I mean clothes, old books, magazines, used tissues, and worse.

2. Get a Ziplock^©! There's change EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I struck it rich down there in the bowels of the bedroom! Don't walk people, run! Your fortune awaits you. (Results Not Typical)

3. Don't expect to finish.
Do enough work to see a difference, then take a break. The longer it takes to shape the place up, the more you'll aim to keep it in that condition.

Motivate nesters! I haven't felt this accomplished in weeks!
Go, re-discover your floors!
God made them for a reason!

Nester of the Week: Marge Simpson

When it comes to nesting, Marge Simpson is my hero.

Obviously, she's the best animated Mom ever, and she's got time for everything and everyone.

We've only seen her screw up a couple times, and I don't know anyone who doesn't love this blue-haired lady. She can bake a cake, sew a costume, halt her hubby, and barricade Bart, all with Maggie on her hip.

The Simpson Movie comes out this weekend, and you can bet you're bottom dollar, this Nester is gonna be there.

Homage must be paid to the Nesters that have come before...and who continue to put us all to shame.

If I could get a DUFF brew in these parts, I would. But for now, this Mike's Hard Lemonade^© will have to do.

Marge, here's to you.

Sobriety Checkpoint: Brooklyn Local 1

If you are in fact a Brooklyn Nester, then you may take pride in great Brooklyn brews. I know, I do.

If you drink, especially in Brooklyn, you've heard of Brooklyn Brewery. But, are your taste buds acquainted with her latest delight, Brooklyn Local 1?

If not, go out and buy a bottle, right now. Here at The Brooklyn Nester we say "Yea!" to Belgian style with 'Burgian birthrights. This bottle was great with dinner and made me feel classier than I actually am for just $8.95.

Brooklyn Brewery has an awesome set up on N.11th Street in Williamsburg. You should totally go and check out their Friday night happy hour. It won't break the bank at $3 a beer and you can get your fill of Brooklyn flava.

Don't trust that this beer is as classy as I claim? Don't take my word for it. Even the snooty-poots at the NYTimes food section agree!

Enjoy bitches!

The Brooklyn Project: The Five Stages of Bedroom Cleaning Induced Death

Nesters, today is a difficult day. Today begins the horrible, horrible task of launching the The Brooklyn Project.

Today Brooklyn Bitch motivates to take on the war zone that is my bedroom.

With this wretched, awful, and fuckin' disgusting task, begins the 5 stages of death as we know them here at The Brooklyn Nester:

1.Denial and Isolation:
I will now walk out of the bedroom and sit on the living room couch. This is not that bad. I don't need help with this. This room is just a blip on the map of God's awful fucking disasters.

2.Anger:
This is my boyfriend's fault. Why the fuck am I responsible for cleaning a room that is shared with this pack rat of a man? What does he know about cleanliness! Who cares if half the items littering this floor are Winnie the Pooh^© sweatshirts my Dad gave me in '87? Who cares that I have an entire cardboard box filled with slutty shirts I wore in the 8th grade? This is that lazy bastard's fault, and I'm not doing this shit. Not now, not ever.

3.Bargaining:
Okay. How about instead of cleaning the bedroom, I'll do the bathroom?
Again. This time with bleach.
I mean, the bathroom may be like, 8 times smaller, but, as far a hygiene goes, it really should be my priority. Right? I mean, I can do the bedroom on the weekend. Actually, it makes much more sense on the weekend. Think of all the fuckin' time I can devote to it then...
Yeeeah, I can devote way more time to it on the weekend...

4.Depression:
This seriously fucking sucks dude.
I can't even see the floor.
It's going to take me days.
I am seriously considering torching my apartment and then uncorking my 500 caplets of Motrin IB^© and washing them back with a bottle of Stoli O^©.

5.Acceptance:
Alright.
This place has been a sty for almost a year.
I am a lazy fuck with an awesome apartment.
I want people to see this room.
Eventually, like a normal person, I would like my dresser to contain clothes, as opposed to the HDTV box that I've been using since Christmas.

I have a 6-er in the fridge.
I have 1/2 a bottle of nice port wine from my mom.
If necessary, I have Triple Sec that we use exclusively for cooking, but, at times like these I will be willing to make exceptions.

Baby steps off the couch.
Baby steps through the office.
Baby steps into the bedroom.
Baby steps into the bedroom...