Brooklyn Bitch's Cleaning Essentials

A new week begins.

And so, as I do almost every week, I've promised myself that I am going to scrub the fuck out of the bathroom.

Not my favorite chore. But, each time I do it, I get better at it.

It's like your math homework from back in the 9th grade. You bitched and bitched about having to do it, thinking you were a dumb-ass. And, then you did the work, and it fuckin' sucked, but, by the end, you knew your shit.

Your Mom was right.

So, here are a few products that are my cleaning staples. I don't believe in having different products for different rooms. Blah, blah, blah. If the fuckin' spray can't disinfect the toilet as well as the counter, then FUCK the spray.

So, while we're on the subject, let's look at the two multi-purpose sprays that are da bomb diggity shit:

1. Mr. Clean^© Antibacterial Multi-Surface Spray

Best spray EVER.
This stuff works great in the kitchen on dirty and/or greasy counters, AND, it also kicks some serious ass in the bathroom in toilets and around the sink area.
I also use this spray on glass table tops, mirrors, and lacquered wood.
I live and swear by this stuff.


2. Febreeze^©

If you don't have a bottle already, you've been living like a dirty hippie for too long. This stuff is a Godsend. Now, I'm not saying that you should use Febreeze^© instead of laundering your clothing and towels (and, I did knew some dirty frat boys once upon a time who used Febreeze^© as an alternative to TIDE^©), but, if you're a few days overdue for a washing and your stuff's a little funky, this stuff is great. A spritz or two on the couch before guests arrive, and they'll think you've been cleaning all day.
Huzzah, it's like deodorant, for cloth!

3. Soft Scrub^©

This stuff is possibly the best tub solution on the market. It is PERFECT for all you lazy people out there who just want to "wax-on, wax-off." All you do, is pour some of this stuff onto the nastiness in your tub, wait 15-30 minutes, go back and lightly scrub with a sponge. Simple and easy. And, though it does have a slightly bleachy smell, it's way milder than actual bleach, and not nearly as harsh!

4. Swiffer^© Dusters

Um, these are frikkin' awesome.
They actually perform better than Swiffer^© gives them credit for in their commercials. These little powerhouses not only latch onto dust like muthafuckas, they even pick up small dirt particles and other nastiness that's collected in and around your couch. They rock, as do most Swiffer^© products, if you ask me!

Go little nesters, take your new weapons and motivate.

The battle rages on...

The Brooklyn Project: And God said, "Let There Be...Floor?"

Yes, my bitchin' nesters, the lord hath shone his light on me.

After many baby steps into the bedroom (and then back out again), I learned that I do, indeed, have a floor.

At first I was all Pauly Shored out, like, whoa, what is this wood-like substance?

But then, I came to realize that when you pick up 6 months worth of clothing, both clean and dirty, a whole new world is revealed: Hard Wood Floors!

Let's look at the before picture, shall we?



Eeek fest. That is a true tragedy. And, let me tell you, I'm no where near being finished. Rome wasn't built in a day, but, I've definitely made some headway.


Now, feast your eyes on the fruit of my highly motivated labor:





Hosanna and Hallelujah!

What to Expect When You Clean Your Bedroom:

1. Be prepared to throw shit away people.
I mean clothes, old books, magazines, used tissues, and worse.

2. Get a Ziplock^©! There's change EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I struck it rich down there in the bowels of the bedroom! Don't walk people, run! Your fortune awaits you. (Results Not Typical)

3. Don't expect to finish.
Do enough work to see a difference, then take a break. The longer it takes to shape the place up, the more you'll aim to keep it in that condition.

Motivate nesters! I haven't felt this accomplished in weeks!
Go, re-discover your floors!
God made them for a reason!

The Brooklyn Project: The Five Stages of Bedroom Cleaning Induced Death

Nesters, today is a difficult day. Today begins the horrible, horrible task of launching the The Brooklyn Project.

Today Brooklyn Bitch motivates to take on the war zone that is my bedroom.

With this wretched, awful, and fuckin' disgusting task, begins the 5 stages of death as we know them here at The Brooklyn Nester:

1.Denial and Isolation:
I will now walk out of the bedroom and sit on the living room couch. This is not that bad. I don't need help with this. This room is just a blip on the map of God's awful fucking disasters.

2.Anger:
This is my boyfriend's fault. Why the fuck am I responsible for cleaning a room that is shared with this pack rat of a man? What does he know about cleanliness! Who cares if half the items littering this floor are Winnie the Pooh^© sweatshirts my Dad gave me in '87? Who cares that I have an entire cardboard box filled with slutty shirts I wore in the 8th grade? This is that lazy bastard's fault, and I'm not doing this shit. Not now, not ever.

3.Bargaining:
Okay. How about instead of cleaning the bedroom, I'll do the bathroom?
Again. This time with bleach.
I mean, the bathroom may be like, 8 times smaller, but, as far a hygiene goes, it really should be my priority. Right? I mean, I can do the bedroom on the weekend. Actually, it makes much more sense on the weekend. Think of all the fuckin' time I can devote to it then...
Yeeeah, I can devote way more time to it on the weekend...

4.Depression:
This seriously fucking sucks dude.
I can't even see the floor.
It's going to take me days.
I am seriously considering torching my apartment and then uncorking my 500 caplets of Motrin IB^© and washing them back with a bottle of Stoli O^©.

5.Acceptance:
Alright.
This place has been a sty for almost a year.
I am a lazy fuck with an awesome apartment.
I want people to see this room.
Eventually, like a normal person, I would like my dresser to contain clothes, as opposed to the HDTV box that I've been using since Christmas.

I have a 6-er in the fridge.
I have 1/2 a bottle of nice port wine from my mom.
If necessary, I have Triple Sec that we use exclusively for cooking, but, at times like these I will be willing to make exceptions.

Baby steps off the couch.
Baby steps through the office.
Baby steps into the bedroom.
Baby steps into the bedroom...

The Brooklyn Project

The Manhattan Project was a bunch of scientists who threw together a little ol' thing called the atom bomb.

In my apartment, it looks like my life and all my possessions were hit by the atom bomb.

So, out of necessity and strife, The Brooklyn Project was born.

If you're anything like me, you love cleanliness, but you fucking hate cleaning. The Brooklyn Project is a step-by-step guide for slowly taming the chaos that is your living space.

I'm going to fix this place up, bit by muthafuckin' bit.
Yes, in the next few weeks, learn how to make that mountain of shit, into a molehill of dookie.

And, you know how you "clean" the table by shoving all the shit on the table into a drawer that's already jam-packed with shit from the last time you "cleaned" the table?

Yeah, that's not what this is about.

So go buy some trash bags and a Swiffer^©, bitches. It's cleanin' time.