The Easiest Way To Be The Best-Girlfriend-Ever

Go ahead.

Break out the unitard, frillies, and lace.

It's all well and good.

But, I'll let you in on a little secret. When your Mom said that the way to a man's heart was via his stomach, she wasn't too far off.

My super-hero specialties are my little secret, but, when my boo, addROC, was coming home after a long and snack-less day, I knew where my ass belonged.

The kitchen.

Ladies, throw on your sexiest teddy and heels.
We're making snacks.

Quick and Easy Crostini and Red Pepper Dip

First, I baked a fresh loaf of my famous, and nearly perfected French Bread. But, if you're not into baking, or pressed for time, just pick up a French loaf at your local supermarket.



Next, I cut up that bad boy into thin, round slices.



Heat up your oven to 450 degrees, paint the tops with olive oil and toast these guys until they are golden brown. It should only take around 10 minutes. But, keep a constant watch to prevent burning.

Now, onto the Red Pepper dip!

First, assemble your ingredients:


Yup, that's it:
1 Cup Roasted Red Peppers
4 oz Cream Cheese
8-10 Fresh Basil Leaves
2 Cloves Garlic (Medium to small size)

Now, just throw that stuff into a food processor or fancy-schmancy blender and whip it up!



Voila! Crostini and Red Pepper dip!



Now all you have to do is, lay out the goods...and wait for your lover to take the bait.

Then, take the time to revel in your Best-Girlfriend-Ever glory!

I Can Mash Potato...I Can Do the (Cheddar) Twist(s)!!!

Finally, after days of wanting to post, but, not finding the time or motivation. I travelled to the homestead...determined.

This holiday season has been pretty jam packed. And, as much as I love the razzle dazzle and the sound of wrapping paper being torn, I'm worn out.

So, in the aftermath, I've found myself hunkering as close to the couch as possible, and have let myself become inundated with the crap that flows through, and pumps out of my TV set.

But, other other night, I said "No more!" I went to the store and purchased means to bake...yeasted breads!

I went forth, and made scrumptious Cheddar Twists.

First I made the dough and portioned it out. You can see (above) that I used a tape measure to make sure all my twists were 14" long. Wowwee!

After rolling them out, I halved them, and twisted them.



Then, I let them rise, painted them with egg wash, and sprinkled them with Parmesan cheese.

And then, I reveled in their beauty after witnessing their crusty goodness.

Mmmm...cheesy.

I highly recommend that you check out BreadWorld.com, the site for Fleischmann's Yeast. They have a ton of great recipes. And, I trust them. Sometimes you find recipes on the net that just aren't quite right, especially when it comes to yeasty breads. So far, BreadWorld.com has been excellent for me!

Go, Bake away!

A Little Dish Music

Call me crazy, but, I love doing dishes.

It's my therapy.

I have a dish schedule, a dish routine, and a deep love and respect for rubber gloves.

Sure, sometimes after entertaining, I procrastinate a little.
I've winced once or twice at the caked-on sauces and dried-on rice grains, but, overall, I like standing in front of the sink.

One of the best things about doing dishes is listening to my music. I have a dinky-boom-box my Dad got me in high school that lives on our kitchen table and I pop in all my favorite CD's and listen to my favorite radio station.

These are the moments I treasure. And, though you may not want any insight into my soul, here it is anyway, my most listened to dish music...maybe it'll inspire you to go get some Casabellas and step up to the sink.

#1


#2


#3


Or, maybe you're like this bitch:


Of course she doesn't! She's too busy being a filthy whore.

FUCK DISHWASHERS.


Dish time. = Me time.

Call me sad, but, bubbles and suds make me very happy.

Have a great weekend...and don't let those dishes pile up!

For Christ's Sake...A Little Sun Please

(Photo By Joe Schumacher)

Dear Mr. Sun,

I'm frikkin' dying here.

Light deprivation SUCKS.

I can't motivate to do anything.
Like, for real, absolutely nothing.
I can't bake, or clean, or bitch about shitty household products without considering putting a razor blade to my wrist.

Even my fucking plants are having difficulty with photosynthesis, you rat bastard.

I mean, seriously, it's still frikkin' August and on Tuesday we had the coldest day, for this time of year, since 1911! What the FUCK do you think you're playing at muthafucka?

Is this how they live in Seattle, Mr. Sun? 'Cause, that's fucked up.

Fuck you very much,
Brooklyn Bitch

Brooklyn Bitch's Cleaning Essentials

A new week begins.

And so, as I do almost every week, I've promised myself that I am going to scrub the fuck out of the bathroom.

Not my favorite chore. But, each time I do it, I get better at it.

It's like your math homework from back in the 9th grade. You bitched and bitched about having to do it, thinking you were a dumb-ass. And, then you did the work, and it fuckin' sucked, but, by the end, you knew your shit.

Your Mom was right.

So, here are a few products that are my cleaning staples. I don't believe in having different products for different rooms. Blah, blah, blah. If the fuckin' spray can't disinfect the toilet as well as the counter, then FUCK the spray.

So, while we're on the subject, let's look at the two multi-purpose sprays that are da bomb diggity shit:

1. Mr. Clean^© Antibacterial Multi-Surface Spray

Best spray EVER.
This stuff works great in the kitchen on dirty and/or greasy counters, AND, it also kicks some serious ass in the bathroom in toilets and around the sink area.
I also use this spray on glass table tops, mirrors, and lacquered wood.
I live and swear by this stuff.


2. Febreeze^©

If you don't have a bottle already, you've been living like a dirty hippie for too long. This stuff is a Godsend. Now, I'm not saying that you should use Febreeze^© instead of laundering your clothing and towels (and, I did knew some dirty frat boys once upon a time who used Febreeze^© as an alternative to TIDE^©), but, if you're a few days overdue for a washing and your stuff's a little funky, this stuff is great. A spritz or two on the couch before guests arrive, and they'll think you've been cleaning all day.
Huzzah, it's like deodorant, for cloth!

3. Soft Scrub^©

This stuff is possibly the best tub solution on the market. It is PERFECT for all you lazy people out there who just want to "wax-on, wax-off." All you do, is pour some of this stuff onto the nastiness in your tub, wait 15-30 minutes, go back and lightly scrub with a sponge. Simple and easy. And, though it does have a slightly bleachy smell, it's way milder than actual bleach, and not nearly as harsh!

4. Swiffer^© Dusters

Um, these are frikkin' awesome.
They actually perform better than Swiffer^© gives them credit for in their commercials. These little powerhouses not only latch onto dust like muthafuckas, they even pick up small dirt particles and other nastiness that's collected in and around your couch. They rock, as do most Swiffer^© products, if you ask me!

Go little nesters, take your new weapons and motivate.

The battle rages on...

Tips For the Narcoleptic Nester

(Photo by Cliff Hawkins)

Yes nesters, even I fall down on the job.

With all of life's Sobriety Checkpoints, sometimes we just fall like toy soldiers.

When you you drink too much, it can be hard to stay awake. I know this, all to well, and am the butt of many a joke because of my seemingly narcoleptic nature.

Places I've Passed Out Drunk, Recently:

1. My couch in Brooklyn.
2. Other people's couches in Brooklyn.
3. An upstate Table (see above).
4. A Canadian Slot Machine.

How can you avoid passing out drunk? Funny you should ask! I have some tips for you inebriated (and sleepy) nesters out there.

Tips for Staying Awake While Wasted:

1. Red Bull^©: None of sugar-free shit people, you need every freaking calorie possible.

2. Keep moving: If you sit down, you WILL pass out. Play Wii^©, dance with other drunkards, or bend-it-up with Twister^©, after all, it was invented for this very purpose.

3. Get Smacked: This is why you have friends and significant others. They're not afraid to bitch-slap the fuck out of you. It'll put the pep back in your step, and, maybe it'll make their night as well. After all, you are a little bitch.

4. Water: DUH! Forget about breaking the seal...this is about survival now. Chase your Red Bull^© with some Aqua! (Brooklyn tap water kicks some serious ass, so, don't sweat it if you can't locate your Poland Spring^©!)

5. Deal with It: Ok. At some point, you're going to have to make peace with the fact that you are drunk, wasted even, and your body needs to shut down. Stop fighting it. If Steps 1-4 weren't enough, you're toasted. Just pass the fuck out.

Good luck! And remember...if you're going to be pass-out drunk, do it with people who have the good sense to look out for you. This is New York City. Be smart.

Be safe and have a great Monday!

The Brooklyn Project: And God said, "Let There Be...Floor?"

Yes, my bitchin' nesters, the lord hath shone his light on me.

After many baby steps into the bedroom (and then back out again), I learned that I do, indeed, have a floor.

At first I was all Pauly Shored out, like, whoa, what is this wood-like substance?

But then, I came to realize that when you pick up 6 months worth of clothing, both clean and dirty, a whole new world is revealed: Hard Wood Floors!

Let's look at the before picture, shall we?



Eeek fest. That is a true tragedy. And, let me tell you, I'm no where near being finished. Rome wasn't built in a day, but, I've definitely made some headway.


Now, feast your eyes on the fruit of my highly motivated labor:





Hosanna and Hallelujah!

What to Expect When You Clean Your Bedroom:

1. Be prepared to throw shit away people.
I mean clothes, old books, magazines, used tissues, and worse.

2. Get a Ziplock^©! There's change EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I struck it rich down there in the bowels of the bedroom! Don't walk people, run! Your fortune awaits you. (Results Not Typical)

3. Don't expect to finish.
Do enough work to see a difference, then take a break. The longer it takes to shape the place up, the more you'll aim to keep it in that condition.

Motivate nesters! I haven't felt this accomplished in weeks!
Go, re-discover your floors!
God made them for a reason!

To Motivate, or not to Motivate...

So, you've established the tasks at hand.

You bought your trash bags, you have your Swiffer armed and ready with fresh dust grabbing power, and you've put on your grungy sweat pants that you won't wear out in public anymore.

Yes, it would seem you are ready for what was called in Vietnam, the shit. But then, you realize you've forgotten one thing: The Motivation.

You're ready to bring it, but, it just hasn't been brought.

So what do you do when you have all the tools, but, your couch suddenly seems like it should be made the top priority?

Fuck it.

Seriously, take a load off. You've accomplished the main thing. You got your shit together. Now, take a moment to reward yourself. The motivation will come eventually. Enjoy the filth for one more day. Have a nice, stiff drink, and just look at yourself...

It takes guts to wear those sweat pants.