Monday, August 6, 2007

Tips For the Narcoleptic Nester

(Photo by Cliff Hawkins)

Yes nesters, even I fall down on the job.

With all of life's Sobriety Checkpoints, sometimes we just fall like toy soldiers.

When you you drink too much, it can be hard to stay awake. I know this, all to well, and am the butt of many a joke because of my seemingly narcoleptic nature.

Places I've Passed Out Drunk, Recently:

1. My couch in Brooklyn.
2. Other people's couches in Brooklyn.
3. An upstate Table (see above).
4. A Canadian Slot Machine.

How can you avoid passing out drunk? Funny you should ask! I have some tips for you inebriated (and sleepy) nesters out there.

Tips for Staying Awake While Wasted:

1. Red Bull©: None of sugar-free shit people, you need every freaking calorie possible.

2. Keep moving: If you sit down, you WILL pass out. Play Wii©, dance with other drunkards, or bend-it-up with Twister©, after all, it was invented for this very purpose.

3. Get Smacked: This is why you have friends and significant others. They're not afraid to bitch-slap the fuck out of you. It'll put the pep back in your step, and, maybe it'll make their night as well. After all, you are a little bitch.

4. Water: DUH! Forget about breaking the seal...this is about survival now. Chase your Red Bull© with some Aqua! (Brooklyn tap water kicks some serious ass, so, don't sweat it if you can't locate your Poland Spring©!)

5. Deal with It: Ok. At some point, you're going to have to make peace with the fact that you are drunk, wasted even, and your body needs to shut down. Stop fighting it. If Steps 1-4 weren't enough, you're toasted. Just pass the fuck out.

Good luck! And remember...if you're going to be pass-out drunk, do it with people who have the good sense to look out for you. This is New York City. Be smart.

Be safe and have a great Monday!


pinknest said...

i personally like to eat mounds of fried goods.

Brooklyn Bitch said...

Yes, but, there are times when one should be aware that Red Bull and Water coming back up are a lot more pleasant than, say, onion rings.

In some cases, drunkeness reverses physics:

What goes down, must come up!