Dirt Devil© Broom Vac Sucks

One of the the worst things ever is mopping the fucking floor.
So, when you actually motivate to mop, or Swiffer^© Wet Jet, or what-have-you, you don't want to be deterred by a piece of shit, fucking electric broom.

Stages of Floor Mopping:

1.Electric Broom and/or Sweep Floor
2.Mop Floor
3.Allow Floor to Dry
4.Enjoy Clean Floor

Simple, no?

So, when I received the Dirt Devil^© Broom Vac from my mother as a gift, I was stoked. 'Cause, let's be real, sweeping fucking sucks in every way possible.

This "Broom Vac" has no suction WHATSOEVER, nor is it a good broom independent of the vacuum feature. Just because the folks in the commercial are dancing around like jackasses and putting on what looks like a high school musical in their kitchen, does not mean that this contraption does jack-shit.

Bottom Line: This is a large paperweight, piece of shit. I realize some other electric options aren't as "affordable," but, buying this "Broom Vac" would be like throwing your money in a huge, burning trash bin.

Save your cash and get a dustpan, bitches. This hunk of junk BLOWS.

Bag O' Tomatoes: Step 1 - Sweet, Sweet Tomato Love

Yay!!! So we finally found some time to get busy with our bag of Tomato Magic!

How the Hot Tomato Love Went Down:


Above:(Left) An expanded peat-pellet in a Tupperware^© (Right) Peat-pellets before expansion and Tomato seeds.

1. We put one, thin peat-pellet into a Tupperware.^©
2. We poured 1/2 cup warm water over the pellet.
3. Then we waited around 5 minutes for the pellet to expand.
4. We fluffed the peat on the surface of the pellet.
5. We sowed 2 tomato seeds.
6. Then we ran and hid it in a dark place, and we're leaving it there until we see some sweet, sweet sprout action...

Seriously though, who knew tomatoes were so frikkin' sexy?!

addROC's Kitchen: 2 Nights, 2 Meals

Mmmm...veggies from Union Square's Greenmarket.
These were the colorful ingredients my boyfriend, addROC, chose to cook with this weekend.

Here at The Brooklyn Nester, Brooklyn Bitch does a lot of nesting, but, not a lot of cooking. I leave that task to persons with the know-how, and I'll do the dishes...I promise.

Join me as I highlight the delicious eats that we enjoyed this weekend here at The Brooklyn Nester in addROC's Kitchen.

Night #1: Just the Two of Us

Pork Chops with a Spicy Orange Glaze
Tomato, Fennel, Onion, and Ham Salad with a Parmesan Dressing
Fresh Sweet Corn


Absolute perfection. And, the colors were beautiful. Something pretty always tastes better!

Night 2: Grilling for Friends

Salsa Verde
Fried Fresh-Corn Fritters
Dirty Rice with Pork Sausage
Cucumber and Onion Salad with Thai Sweet-Chili Dressing
Grilled Garlic-Shallot Burgers Topped with Cheddar, Onion, and Tomato

Salsa Verde
Fried Fresh-Corn Fritters
Dirty Rice with Pork Sausage
Cucumber and Onion Salad with Thai Sweet-Chili Dressing

Grilled Garlic-Shallot Burger Topped with Cheddar, Onion, and Tomato


Huzzah for men who can cook, 'cause I sure can't!

Many thanks to addROC for another delicious weekend.

Enjoy the rest of yours!

Garbage Men Are A Lot Like Umbrellas

You know how your mom used hand you an umbrella as you walked out the door, and then you had to drag it everywhere with you, all day, and then it didn't fucking rain?

Do you remember getting smart?

You told your mom to fuck off and left the house without your umbrella.
You rebel, you.
And then, it fucking poured.

I find that the NYC Sanitation Department is something like my mom's mystical umbrella.

The Brooklyn Nester's garbage day is Wednesday. So, Tuesday night, we either motivate to bring down all our shit OR we decide that we're waking up early enough to get it all down to the curb before the fat lady sings.

I can't fucking win though.
If we convince our drunk asses to bring all the trash down at 1AM...it is still sitting on the curb when I leave the apartment at 8AM.

If we don't take it down, that shit-ass-muthafucka of a garbage truck will inevitably wake me up at 6AM.

Bullshit people. Utter bullshit. How am I expected to Nest under these conditions?!

I sometimes think that throwing my umbrella in the trash could offset this quandary, but, I fear combining these two mysterious sources of power would result in immediate and certain death.

The Brooklyn Project: And God said, "Let There Be...Floor?"

Yes, my bitchin' nesters, the lord hath shone his light on me.

After many baby steps into the bedroom (and then back out again), I learned that I do, indeed, have a floor.

At first I was all Pauly Shored out, like, whoa, what is this wood-like substance?

But then, I came to realize that when you pick up 6 months worth of clothing, both clean and dirty, a whole new world is revealed: Hard Wood Floors!

Let's look at the before picture, shall we?



Eeek fest. That is a true tragedy. And, let me tell you, I'm no where near being finished. Rome wasn't built in a day, but, I've definitely made some headway.


Now, feast your eyes on the fruit of my highly motivated labor:





Hosanna and Hallelujah!

What to Expect When You Clean Your Bedroom:

1. Be prepared to throw shit away people.
I mean clothes, old books, magazines, used tissues, and worse.

2. Get a Ziplock^©! There's change EVERYWHERE!
I feel like I struck it rich down there in the bowels of the bedroom! Don't walk people, run! Your fortune awaits you. (Results Not Typical)

3. Don't expect to finish.
Do enough work to see a difference, then take a break. The longer it takes to shape the place up, the more you'll aim to keep it in that condition.

Motivate nesters! I haven't felt this accomplished in weeks!
Go, re-discover your floors!
God made them for a reason!

Nester of the Week: Marge Simpson

When it comes to nesting, Marge Simpson is my hero.

Obviously, she's the best animated Mom ever, and she's got time for everything and everyone.

We've only seen her screw up a couple times, and I don't know anyone who doesn't love this blue-haired lady. She can bake a cake, sew a costume, halt her hubby, and barricade Bart, all with Maggie on her hip.

The Simpson Movie comes out this weekend, and you can bet you're bottom dollar, this Nester is gonna be there.

Homage must be paid to the Nesters that have come before...and who continue to put us all to shame.

If I could get a DUFF brew in these parts, I would. But for now, this Mike's Hard Lemonade^© will have to do.

Marge, here's to you.

Sobriety Checkpoint: Brooklyn Local 1

If you are in fact a Brooklyn Nester, then you may take pride in great Brooklyn brews. I know, I do.

If you drink, especially in Brooklyn, you've heard of Brooklyn Brewery. But, are your taste buds acquainted with her latest delight, Brooklyn Local 1?

If not, go out and buy a bottle, right now. Here at The Brooklyn Nester we say "Yea!" to Belgian style with 'Burgian birthrights. This bottle was great with dinner and made me feel classier than I actually am for just $8.95.

Brooklyn Brewery has an awesome set up on N.11th Street in Williamsburg. You should totally go and check out their Friday night happy hour. It won't break the bank at $3 a beer and you can get your fill of Brooklyn flava.

Don't trust that this beer is as classy as I claim? Don't take my word for it. Even the snooty-poots at the NYTimes food section agree!

Enjoy bitches!

The Brooklyn Project: The Five Stages of Bedroom Cleaning Induced Death

Nesters, today is a difficult day. Today begins the horrible, horrible task of launching the The Brooklyn Project.

Today Brooklyn Bitch motivates to take on the war zone that is my bedroom.

With this wretched, awful, and fuckin' disgusting task, begins the 5 stages of death as we know them here at The Brooklyn Nester:

1.Denial and Isolation:
I will now walk out of the bedroom and sit on the living room couch. This is not that bad. I don't need help with this. This room is just a blip on the map of God's awful fucking disasters.

2.Anger:
This is my boyfriend's fault. Why the fuck am I responsible for cleaning a room that is shared with this pack rat of a man? What does he know about cleanliness! Who cares if half the items littering this floor are Winnie the Pooh^© sweatshirts my Dad gave me in '87? Who cares that I have an entire cardboard box filled with slutty shirts I wore in the 8th grade? This is that lazy bastard's fault, and I'm not doing this shit. Not now, not ever.

3.Bargaining:
Okay. How about instead of cleaning the bedroom, I'll do the bathroom?
Again. This time with bleach.
I mean, the bathroom may be like, 8 times smaller, but, as far a hygiene goes, it really should be my priority. Right? I mean, I can do the bedroom on the weekend. Actually, it makes much more sense on the weekend. Think of all the fuckin' time I can devote to it then...
Yeeeah, I can devote way more time to it on the weekend...

4.Depression:
This seriously fucking sucks dude.
I can't even see the floor.
It's going to take me days.
I am seriously considering torching my apartment and then uncorking my 500 caplets of Motrin IB^© and washing them back with a bottle of Stoli O^©.

5.Acceptance:
Alright.
This place has been a sty for almost a year.
I am a lazy fuck with an awesome apartment.
I want people to see this room.
Eventually, like a normal person, I would like my dresser to contain clothes, as opposed to the HDTV box that I've been using since Christmas.

I have a 6-er in the fridge.
I have 1/2 a bottle of nice port wine from my mom.
If necessary, I have Triple Sec that we use exclusively for cooking, but, at times like these I will be willing to make exceptions.

Baby steps off the couch.
Baby steps through the office.
Baby steps into the bedroom.
Baby steps into the bedroom...

Sobriety Checkpoint: The Kiwi-Stawberry Snodka

I'm always talking about making drinks with 3 ingredients or less.

Why?

Because I'm lazy.

Not to mention, a shitload of ingredients can potentially equal a shitload of $$$. And frankly, if I'm gonna throw down serious cash to drink, I'm not boozin' in my apartment. You pay for labor kids...you pay dearly.

So, this week's checkpoint might just be some common sense to those of you with a light wallet and a heavy drinking problem.

It's easy, it's delicious, and if you use GEORGI^© vodka it'll cost you under $5 for 2 strong drinks.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
1/2 Bottle of Snapple^© Kiwi-Strawberry
2 Shots Vodka
5 Ice Cubes
1 Pint Glass

Combine and Enjoy!

Here at The Brooklyn Nester, we're big on taste and low on class.

Enjoy the weekend and your Snodkas bitches!

You say tomato, I say a bag of them.

Awesome adventures in horticulture continue here at The Brooklyn Nester.

We've found an environmentally friendly way to grow tomatoes, on your wall! (Or any weird spot you can think of in your tiny-ass apartment.)

What's great about these little bags of tomato-goodness is that they don't make a mess and they'll grow all year long. You can keep the bag outdoors (weather permitting, my little Brooklynites) or indoors.

Oh, and I should mention that you only have to water them once and they're set for life.
How, you ask?
Well...they come with these nifty crystals that release water to your tamaters over time. So this is like, the most low-maintenance project, ever.

We purchased this "Magic Tomato Grow Bag Kit" from a company called: Clean Air Gardening. It comes with three bags for the plantin' and cost us a total of $27.97 (w/ground shipping).

We will keep you updated as to the progress of our red, fruity friends. We still have yet to plant (bag?) our tomatoes. But hopefully they'll be looking as yummy as the one's on the website (pictured above) in the near future.

So, go green like the rest of the freakin' nation.
It's the least you can do for Al Gore's chubby ass.

Nesting Abroad!

Well nester's, I'm back. And boy was my vacation swell.
I apologize, sincerely, for the lack of posts, but, hopefully these Canadian highlights will make it all worth it!

Ok. So here is a WWII memorial. But, make note of the flag that is missing here. We got the Brits, the Canadians, and the U.S.....oh wait! No American flag?!
So, even Canadians, the most neutral muthafuckas on Earth hate us! Another proud moment in U.S. history!

Yeah, so Canadian cuisine left something to be desired.
We didn't eat at this joint, but, we thought it was fucking hilarious.
I'm not sure what Canadian food is, but, I'm pretty sure that it probably doesn't mesh with Chinese.

These frozen yogurt places were EVERYWHERE. I don't know why Canadians can't just call it "Frozen Yogurt." Fuckin' weirdos.

Okay. So, all Canadian weirdness aside, this was fantastic.

Niagara Falls was fucking amazing. You see pictures of this place and you think when you actually get there it won't blow you away because you've seen this image so many times. But, seriously, you have no idea how ridiculously powerful this beaut of a natural wonder is...

The sheer amount of water pumping over this thing is just stunning.

I had a great time abroad, but, I was glad to fly back to my own nest!

Check out more pictures from our trip at addROC's flickr page!

Canada or bust, eh.

Yes bitches, this nester is flying the coop for a 4-day weekend.

My boyfriend and I are headed to his hometown for their annual Oatka Festival and then we're trekking up to ol' Canada, eh, to see the great Niagara Falls.

From what I understand, the Oatka Festival is a big ol' party on the bank of the Oatka creek in LeRoy, NY. We'll be eating, drinking (heavily, if I had to guess), enjoying air that isn't contaminated with smog, and walking along small-town streets that aren't littered with dog shit.

Yes, it's a time for wholesome family fun, and, there won't be one chore on the itinerary. I am trading in my rubber gloves for a beef on weck sandwich(the snack of choice at Oatka Fest).

And then it's off to our northernly neighbor.

I can't frickin' wait to feast my eyes on one of the world's seven wonders. While Niagara maybe be passe in some circles, I am stoked to bear witness to the once-height of vacationing class.

And, while we're living the high life in Ontario, I plan to do some gambling, AKA, drinking for free while beating my boyfriend's ass at magnetic horse-racing.

Enjoy your weekend in these United States, nesters. I'll be posting again Tuesday.

Maybe.

:)

Sobriety Checkpoint: Zywiec, the Champagne of Greenpoint

If you're a Greenpointer, this isn't news to you. But, for those of you who hail from other parts of this fat-bottomed borough and beyond, you may not know about this Polish delicacy.

Zywiec, pronounced je-wetz, seems to be Poland's favorite beer and after living on the Greenpoint/Williamsburg border for quite some time, this tasty brew has fast become a staple in my fridge as well.

In Greenpoint, depending on where you go to purchase your booze, sometimes it's difficult to find anything other than Polish beer, unless you want to tote home that 6-er of Bud tall-boys, again.

So, we started experimenting with the Polish flava, and found that, more times than not, it's a rewarding experience. Other Polish brews that I've tried and see regularly around town are: Okocim, EB, Piast, and Tyskie. And, that's just to mention a few. But, when in doubt, go with Zywiec. It's the beer that, from what I can see in da 'hood, is purchased the most by Polish drinkers.

So, while you're roasting away today, throw back some authentic Polish goodness.

Oh, I should mention that Zywiec's cheaper than Paris Hilton after a few Cosmos. Nice.

An Herb Grows in Brooklyn

Now, I know what you're thinking and you couldn't be more wrong!

Yes, something has sprouted in Brooklyn, but, the type of herbs growing on this roof are of an edible nature.

It turns out, my boyfriend, who has more than notable culinary skills, has decided that retail prices for fresh herbs are just too exorbitant. And so, in pursuit of the perfect seasoning for the perfect dish, on the cheap of course, he has sprouted (pun totally intended) a green-thumb.

Even I, the girly-girl that I am, have grown to love the little bit of green on our shitty little roof that overlooks Williamsburg Industrial Park.

Let's go in for the aerial shot:















Herbs and Veggies:

In the long, rectangular, green planter: Basil (on left), Parsley (on right). Herbal staples, I'm told.

In the small, circular containers: Both green and red jalapenos. Saucy!

In the Terracotta planter: A random vine plant. Excitement.

Ok, so maybe it's more like Martha Stewart gone-ghetto...but, hey, in this life some of us get a patch of earth and some of us get a pot of it.

I say, make the most of your outdoor space. It's always nice to see a bit of green in this concrete jungle, ghetto or not.

British Vodka: An Oxymoron? Or an International Innebriant?

So, you may recall from a prior post, Sobriety Checkpoint: The Fizzy, I recommended that you use Tanqueray^© Vodka.

And sweet Jesus, I still do.

But, I mentioned that your Polish and Russian retailers might give you shit for getting English vodka, only because it has been my experience that the Pols and Russians are devout worshippers of the vodka from their respective native regions.

Well. I was partially wrong.

Your vodka retailers may still give you the wonky eye, but the masses have spoken for themselves!

On the 4th of July, I was walking to a delightfully porky celebration at my friend Reid's humble abode and witnessed something that brought me much joy.

Yes, I saw four wasted, and I mean, WASTED Polish dudes. And these upstanding fellows were celebrating the independence we all hold so dear by drinking none-other-than: Tanqueray^© Vodka!

Now, maybe this brought me more pleasure than it could ever bring you...but, I was proud to know that there are at least four, very drunk Pols, who concur that English Vodka is synonymous with delicious, drunken, adopted national holidays!!!

Recommended Reading: Amy Sedaris Nests with a Buzz On Too!

Yes my little nesters, reading is good for your brain. And this relatively new Amy Sedaris book, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, is a quirky and hilarious addition to any Nester's collection.

Amy Sedaris outlines her offbeat tips for the humble hostess and entertains as much as she informs.

While her recipes leave something to be desired, she keeps you laughing, so, at the end of the book, you really don't care if her Munchie ideas aren't the tastiest option.

The gems in this book are rooted in Sedaris's humor. She's kitchy and she's not afraid to laugh at herself.

Bottom line: Amy Sedaris may not have the know-how of Martha, but she's got style that will appeal to a younger, less neo-yuppie-conservative crowd. She's not afraid to get wasted while she's baking, and her happiness is in the pursuit, not the final product.

And, that's a mantra this Nester can get behind.

I highly recommend you add this charming book to your Nester's Reference Library.

Flipping Your Dishwasher the Bird

First things first. Fuck you if you have a dishwasher.

Why? Because, even though I'm about to tell you that by doing your dishes by hand you are helping sweet birds and other creatures, I still wish I had a goddamn washer for those nights when shit has to get done and I don't want to be the one to do it.

Now, with that out of the way...

I was reading the back of my Dawn^© bottle the other day and wondered, as I scrub-a-dub-dubbed the shit that was caked onto a plate from the previous night's dinner, if I actually was making a difference to some poor, helpless, little bird out there in the world. Had Dawn^© given me altruistic powers even I was unaware of?

Apparently. If you check out Dawn^©'s website, you can see that soap actually saves a shitload of our aquatic friends, fish and fowl alike. So, there is an upside to doing the dishes...or at least to buying the soap...

Sure, after a four course dinner, dishes are a big-assed-bitch. But, think of the birds people. Think of the birds.

A Nifty Nester Tip:
Did you know that your six-er of PBR is a sure-fire way to fuck up the lives of many a bird?!

Cut these nooses of death UP bitches!!!

I fucking hate Seagulls, but, the thought of them choking to death on a beach somewhere gets me down.

To Motivate, or not to Motivate...

So, you've established the tasks at hand.

You bought your trash bags, you have your Swiffer armed and ready with fresh dust grabbing power, and you've put on your grungy sweat pants that you won't wear out in public anymore.

Yes, it would seem you are ready for what was called in Vietnam, the shit. But then, you realize you've forgotten one thing: The Motivation.

You're ready to bring it, but, it just hasn't been brought.

So what do you do when you have all the tools, but, your couch suddenly seems like it should be made the top priority?

Fuck it.

Seriously, take a load off. You've accomplished the main thing. You got your shit together. Now, take a moment to reward yourself. The motivation will come eventually. Enjoy the filth for one more day. Have a nice, stiff drink, and just look at yourself...

It takes guts to wear those sweat pants.