The American Pie Council. Yes, it exists.

Holy frikkin' crap. There is an American Pie Council.

As some of you may know, I have recently become quite obsessed with pie. I am all about making a ton of pies until I have perfected the art, and then, I plan to move on to tarts, or something else I suck at.

So, I spend a good 3-4 hours of my workweek surfing the web for new and exciting pie recipes for me to bake and/or destroy.

In this week's search, I came across The American Pie Council. And it's absolutely, fucking brilliant. With posts titled: "Random Acts of Pieness" how can you go wrong? I also learned that National Pie Day is on January 23rd! Who knew?

It's $35 bucks to become a regular member, and $25 for students and seniors.

The subscription is pretty pimp. It entitles you to coupons, opens the door to some pie-networking opportunities, AND, my most favorite part, you get a subscription to: PIE TIMES!!!!

Too much people, too much. I love my pie, but this is ridiculous! Go check it out...there is some serious pie making and baking to be done!

And, the best part is, you can access recipes for the current winners of various regional and national pie competitions!

Sweeeeeet. Literally.

Anti-Nester of the Week: Rachel Ray

I'm sorry, really. But, I just HAVE to go there.

Everyone loves to hate her, but why? Hmmm...

My Top Five Reasons For Hating Rachel Ray

1. I'm not sure what she really does...but I'm pretty sure that I could've done it without her.

2. She's 100% Pure annoying.

3. She's a "chef" that endorses Dunkin' Donuts. Have you ever had a Dunkin' Donuts bagel? Would you endorse it? Exactly.

4. In the one full episode I've seen of her self-titled ABC show, she was cooking with Dr. Phil. Together they were making a one skillet lunch that consisted of:
One, bun-less, Beef Patty Topped with Smoked Mozzarella
A side of canned, cut string-beans (canned string-beans...ewww).

What? This is a cooking show? I may not be a great cook, but, I'm pretty sure the concept of hamburgers and canned vegetables falls under the category of: Lazy & Boring.

5. "Yummers!", "Delish!", and "EVOO" are all a form of brainwashing. There is a very distinct possibility, if I hear her utter them again, that I may shove my own septum into my brain. It's become so bad, even I find myself saying her little catch phrases, in my own fucking kitchen. Sacrilege. She must be stopped!

I leave you with these sentiments:


If we must toast to Rachel, let's do it old school, pick up a 40 oz-er of COLT 45^©. You'll be so wasted by dinner...it won't matter what slop she throws down.

Rubber Glove-y, You're the One.

All Hail! The geniuses at Casabella have made the BEST GLOVES EVER!!!

I saw these little gems at Duane Reade while debating what kind of scrubber to buy for, my then, heinous tub.

I'll admit, their spiffy packaging was what caught my eye, but, after reading the label's promises (Tapered, snug fit; Cotton flock lining; and Patented cuff!), I decided, for $5.99, I had to buy the gloves.

Well, hot-damn, these gloves deliver on every promise they make, and, in addition, I've found they actually smell kinda nice, a sort of sweetness surrounds their girly-goodness. Not that typical latex-y grossness.

And, can we discuss the fact that they're PINK people! Sooooo much more fun than the yellow-turd gloves that make you look and feel more like a floatation device than a sexy, French maid...

So, get flirty in the suds! These are super durable, don't get water logged, smell pretty, and they're frikkin PINK!!!

Just one more reason why dishwashers are for LAME-Os!!!!

The POM© Hype

Sometimes I'm in the deli, and I ask myself...why?

Why on EARTH do people consume the shit they consume? And it's not just a matter of the consumption itself, it's a matter of the price we pay to have the honor of consuming!

Fuck that. I'm tired of the advertising industry's psychological warfare.

So, I did it.

I tried POM^©.

Just to see what the big, fuckin' deal was with their big, fancy jar glasses and their super-jacked antioxidants for long life, or whatever.

And, you know what people? It's tea. It's tea, in a fancy jar.

Bottom Line: If you really want to spend $3.75+ on a jar of tea...go for it. That's your prerogative. But, if it were me, I'd do what I had to do to complete my glass collection, and swear off POM^© for life.

Why? Because you're some marketing agent's wet dream.

You saw a a little bit of Pomegranate juice or Tea in a fancy jar, or a fancy cape, or with fancy wings, on the side of a telephone booth somewhere and you decided, for between $3.75 and $5, to buy the hype.


And, what can I say? I did too.

But, trust me, I won't again.

For Christ's Sake...A Little Sun Please

(Photo By Joe Schumacher)

Dear Mr. Sun,

I'm frikkin' dying here.

Light deprivation SUCKS.

I can't motivate to do anything.
Like, for real, absolutely nothing.
I can't bake, or clean, or bitch about shitty household products without considering putting a razor blade to my wrist.

Even my fucking plants are having difficulty with photosynthesis, you rat bastard.

I mean, seriously, it's still frikkin' August and on Tuesday we had the coldest day, for this time of year, since 1911! What the FUCK do you think you're playing at muthafucka?

Is this how they live in Seattle, Mr. Sun? 'Cause, that's fucked up.

Fuck you very much,
Brooklyn Bitch

Home again, home again. Jiggity jog.

Yes, home indeed.

And, while it's nice to be back in the saddle, it's also incredibly sad to leave the perfect scenery of Cape Cod, and the company of friends to return to New York's hustle and bustle.

It was a pain to drag the camera around, due to sporadic beach hopping and extreme levels of inebriation, but, addROC did manage to take the stunning pictures in this post on the beach, after a day of fishing with his old buds.

We had a kick ass time. And, need I say that we did some serious eatin' while we were away? Well, I'll say it anyway, we did some SERIOUS eating while we were on the Cape. Our first day we grilled out summer style with: Spicy BBQ Chicken Wings, and the old standbys, Burgers and Dogs. Not to mention, one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Cool Ranch Doritos^©.

But, the real joy was our favorite place to stop and stuff our faces: Seafood Sam's. With 4 locations on the Cape, this place has seafood down to a science. We ate a little, or a lot, of the following delicacies: Lobster Rolls (jam-packed with huge chunks of delicious lobster), Clam Chowder, Deep Fried Scallops, Deep Fried White Fish, and some tangy Coleslaw.

Oh my God. Amazing.

But here I am, back in my little Brooklyn apartment.
And, I'm getting ready to bake bitches, fall's in the air.
Even though, in my mind, I'm still wishing I was on the beach...

...and I bet now, you are too.

Road Trippin': Cape Cod

Holla! addROC and I are getting the fuck out of dodge tonight, and driving up to good ol' New England!

Yes, it's that magical time where we sit on long, beautiful beaches, drinking can after can of Bud Light to re-hydrate, and eating BBQ with friends that we haven't seen in too long.

If that doesn't sound like summer, I don't know what does.

Then, we are going to our favorite Cape seafood stop, which I will be sure to post about when we return! I'll just give you a teensy-weensy preview and say, that this joint has the best fuckin' Lobster Rolls I have EVER put in my mouth, and, that means they're good, real good.

Not to mention addROC has a few culinary surprises up his sleeve for our gracious hosts. And of course, ridiculous quantities of booze for both day-time sun-bathing and evening bonfire beach consumption.

Ah, sweet summer, as you drift away...I cling to what beauteous treasures you have left to behold...

Apologies in advance for the break from posting...but, I'll be severely inebriated on a beach in Cape Cod, would you really want to hear me blather away, slurring horrendeously?

Gingered-Lemon Meringue Pie : 1, Me : 0

Yeeeeah, if this were a tennis match, I would've just gotten ACED.

Even more sad, it was no tennis match, it was another attempt at baking.

Yes, after my success with White Chocolate Pecan Pie, I thought I'd take my new, overpriced mixer and dally about in the land of pie-making prestige and attempt a Gingered-Lemon Meringue Pie.

Alas, It didn't work out the way I'd hoped.

Though it looks pretty in the picture, my Gingered-Lemon filling was a bit too tart, and after baking the meringue on top, the filling wasn't quite set enough for easy serving OR eating.

But, addROC and I agree that it was not a total failure. The crust, while basic, was baked to perfection and had a great flavor, and my meringue was EGGCELLENT!!!

And, let's let that be my baking humor for the day, it only goes downhill from here.

Nester of the Week: Christopher Kimball

We love Christopher because he's the founder of several of our favorite multi-media cooking education and entertainment sources!

Yes, he's the Mastermind behind gems like America's Test Kitchen on PBS, and the outstanding print publications: Cook's Illustrated Magazine and Cook's Country Magazine. Not to mention the author and co-author of several cookbooks put out in association with those magazines.

The first time we set eyes on him in America's Test Kitchen, his zany manner and love for food became instantly infectious. He's so much fun, and his obsession with a recipe's perfection is both admirable and inspiring.

While his accolades may be many, he certainly isn't a snob, though he's a foodie for sure. His unpretentious approach to cooking and prep make it all seem so easy and light hearted. And, isn't that the sign of a true pro?

Here's to you Christopher...you tested all the bunk recipes so we didn't have to...and you frikkin' rock.

Brooklyn Bitch's Cleaning Essentials

A new week begins.

And so, as I do almost every week, I've promised myself that I am going to scrub the fuck out of the bathroom.

Not my favorite chore. But, each time I do it, I get better at it.

It's like your math homework from back in the 9th grade. You bitched and bitched about having to do it, thinking you were a dumb-ass. And, then you did the work, and it fuckin' sucked, but, by the end, you knew your shit.

Your Mom was right.

So, here are a few products that are my cleaning staples. I don't believe in having different products for different rooms. Blah, blah, blah. If the fuckin' spray can't disinfect the toilet as well as the counter, then FUCK the spray.

So, while we're on the subject, let's look at the two multi-purpose sprays that are da bomb diggity shit:

1. Mr. Clean^© Antibacterial Multi-Surface Spray

Best spray EVER.
This stuff works great in the kitchen on dirty and/or greasy counters, AND, it also kicks some serious ass in the bathroom in toilets and around the sink area.
I also use this spray on glass table tops, mirrors, and lacquered wood.
I live and swear by this stuff.


2. Febreeze^©

If you don't have a bottle already, you've been living like a dirty hippie for too long. This stuff is a Godsend. Now, I'm not saying that you should use Febreeze^© instead of laundering your clothing and towels (and, I did knew some dirty frat boys once upon a time who used Febreeze^© as an alternative to TIDE^©), but, if you're a few days overdue for a washing and your stuff's a little funky, this stuff is great. A spritz or two on the couch before guests arrive, and they'll think you've been cleaning all day.
Huzzah, it's like deodorant, for cloth!

3. Soft Scrub^©

This stuff is possibly the best tub solution on the market. It is PERFECT for all you lazy people out there who just want to "wax-on, wax-off." All you do, is pour some of this stuff onto the nastiness in your tub, wait 15-30 minutes, go back and lightly scrub with a sponge. Simple and easy. And, though it does have a slightly bleachy smell, it's way milder than actual bleach, and not nearly as harsh!

4. Swiffer^© Dusters

Um, these are frikkin' awesome.
They actually perform better than Swiffer^© gives them credit for in their commercials. These little powerhouses not only latch onto dust like muthafuckas, they even pick up small dirt particles and other nastiness that's collected in and around your couch. They rock, as do most Swiffer^© products, if you ask me!

Go little nesters, take your new weapons and motivate.

The battle rages on...

A Roof with a View...and a Grill

Here at The Brooklyn Nester, we love our roof.

At first glance, it isn't much. Just a crappy, small square. But, in the summer, it's really nice to get outdoors, especially if you are like us, sans an AC unit.

Crappy as it may appear, we like going out there:

1. To grill.
2. To enjoy a brewsky.
3. To save our smoker guests the trip downstairs.
4. To "garden" (AKA water plants and herbs).
5. To soak up some rays, in hopes of caramelizing our pasty white asses.

But, mainly because of #1, grilling. Here at The Brooklyn Nester, we're a teeny-weensy bit pyro:

We love a good fire. What's even more pimp, is fire's ability to cook meats, delicious, delicious meats:

You saw them plated in my last post, but, don't these BBQ Chicken Skewers look just bitchin' right on the grill?! Not to mention, the aroma. Nothing smells better than BBQ in the air on a hot summer night.

And while our Steak Marinated in Terriaki with Minced Garlic was not featured in our addROC's Kitchen segment, it surely deserves accolades. This steak smelled so fucking good when it was cooking, words cannot capture my desperate need to consume this piece of meat.

It's our own little crap-ass sanctuary. And it's awesome.
Please, take advantage of the outdoors now...I implore you. The cold season is fast approaching.

And, that fuckin' sucks...

"When this old world starts a getting me down,
And people are just too much for me to face,
I'll climb way up to the top of the stairs,
And all my cares just drift right into space...up on the roof..."
-James Taylor-

(Yes, I just quoted James Taylor and I'm under 35. Deal.)

addROC's Kitchen: Skewers, Salads, and Pie! Oh My!

Yet again, addROC made my week by feeding me and our friends.
I love addROC, especially in the kitchen, because, well, his dishes are constantly changing. It turns out, that variety actually is the spice of life and there's nothing like keeping your taste buds on their toes.

This week, addROC went with an Asian theme, and we all reaped the benefits...feast your eyes on this week's tasty treats.

Night #1: Just the Two of Us

Shredded Thai Chicken
with Peanut Sauce Over Soba Noodles

OMG! So frikkin' good. When addROC makes me soba noodles, it's pretty much in the bag, he's gettin' lucky.
This dish was outta this world and I can't wait for the next soba adventure...

Night #2: Entertaining Friends...

Grilled BBQ Chicken Skewers
Toasted Barley, Corn, Onion, and Pepper Salad
Marinated Heirloom Tomatoes and Red Pearl Onions

De-vine. Anything from the grill is always a treat, and, I'm a huge fan of salads with grains.

and

Drumroll...

I actually cooked something for our guests! A Pie! Without any help! Looky here nesters, I'm not as domestically disabled as you all thought!

White Chocolate Pecan Pie

Very tasty, if I do say myself. Though, I do intend to further hone my baking skills, as I ended up buying a rather upscale mixer solely to make this little pie!

Clean plates said it all! Thanks again to addROC...I'm already looking forward to eating next week's editions!

Sobriety Checkpoint: Pimm's© & Ginger

We discovered this scrumptious sipable thanks to our great friend and favorite photag, Cliff Hawkins. While he was flitting about the city, drinking of course, he found this gem at APT (419 West 13th Street) and decided to whip 'em up at home and, of course, for us, his gratified guests.

I love this drink for several reasons:
1. It meets my rule: 3 ingredients or less.
2. It's refreshing as fuck.
3. Pimm's isn't as strong as some other liqueurs, so, you can have a couple big glasses before you're in the bag.
4. It's so gosh-darn purdy.
5. It makes me feel like I'm in Savannah, enjoying a drink with the other debutantes.

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
1 Bottle Pimm's^© No. 1
1 Bottle Ginger Ale
1 Cucumber, thinly sliced
A Large Glass
5-7 Ice Cubes

In your glass filled with ice, pour Pimm's No.1 so that it fills half the glass. Then, pour the ginger ale over the Pimm's^© to the brim of the glass. Garnish with cucumber slices to taste.

Enjoy!

This is a true summer drink: Light, crisp, and great for a lazy afternoon with friends.

Y'all enjoy yer beverages now...

Tips For the Narcoleptic Nester

(Photo by Cliff Hawkins)

Yes nesters, even I fall down on the job.

With all of life's Sobriety Checkpoints, sometimes we just fall like toy soldiers.

When you you drink too much, it can be hard to stay awake. I know this, all to well, and am the butt of many a joke because of my seemingly narcoleptic nature.

Places I've Passed Out Drunk, Recently:

1. My couch in Brooklyn.
2. Other people's couches in Brooklyn.
3. An upstate Table (see above).
4. A Canadian Slot Machine.

How can you avoid passing out drunk? Funny you should ask! I have some tips for you inebriated (and sleepy) nesters out there.

Tips for Staying Awake While Wasted:

1. Red Bull^©: None of sugar-free shit people, you need every freaking calorie possible.

2. Keep moving: If you sit down, you WILL pass out. Play Wii^©, dance with other drunkards, or bend-it-up with Twister^©, after all, it was invented for this very purpose.

3. Get Smacked: This is why you have friends and significant others. They're not afraid to bitch-slap the fuck out of you. It'll put the pep back in your step, and, maybe it'll make their night as well. After all, you are a little bitch.

4. Water: DUH! Forget about breaking the seal...this is about survival now. Chase your Red Bull^© with some Aqua! (Brooklyn tap water kicks some serious ass, so, don't sweat it if you can't locate your Poland Spring^©!)

5. Deal with It: Ok. At some point, you're going to have to make peace with the fact that you are drunk, wasted even, and your body needs to shut down. Stop fighting it. If Steps 1-4 weren't enough, you're toasted. Just pass the fuck out.

Good luck! And remember...if you're going to be pass-out drunk, do it with people who have the good sense to look out for you. This is New York City. Be smart.

Be safe and have a great Monday!

Nester of the Week: Martha Stewart

OK. So, she's the ultimate nester, forever and ever. Amen.

But, just because she's on the cover of WIRED Magazine this month, we have to give her Nester of the Week.

She's classy, bitchy, business savvy, and fucking clever. And, while she may have sold out, just a little, she's still awesome.

And, for WIRED, she made a kick-ass Wii cake! Awesomeness.

Toast to Martha with something classy, like a Bordeaux or Chablis.

You're too good for this world Martha, you're too good. That's why they tried to lock you up...

But, we know here at The Brooklyn Nester, you're the nesting Wizard, and Martha, no one's gonna hold you back.

Not nobody, not no how!

Won't YOU Be My Neighbor?

This is the conclusion I've come to: You either love your neighbors, or, you fucking hate them.

So, when addROC and I met our apartment neighbors and they were decent, we were like, bonus!

Little did we know that lurking right next door was a huge jerkface muthafucka.

Yes, our neighbor one building over is a total asshole. He gives us shit for putting trash out in front of our own apartment building, claiming that he has to "clean up" after our messes.

Now, I am Brooklyn Bitch of The Brooklyn Fucking Nester, I do not MAKE messes. I clean them, bitches. So this dude just pissed us off.

Well, a while back, our fucknut-of-a-neighbor started piling bricks up on and around his stoop. Lots of fucking bricks. So, when addROC and I saw our nemesis moving this assload of bricks into his building, we became suspicious.

Lo and behold, we were grilling out on our roof, and I happened to look over the edge into our neighbor's "yard."


It's always been a dump down there, but, it seems that he has made preparations to build upon that dump. And, though I cannot say with any amount of certainty, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't have a permit for such expansion.

What's worse is that we think, by the looks of it, that he is building more apartments. Whack.

Even Mr. Rogers himself would ban this douchebag from the neighborhood.

But, I'm no whistle blower, so, the atrocities will continue...

Korean BBQ in 'Da Burg: Dokebi Bar & Grill

So as the result of losing a bet to addROC, the beeotch, I had to buy him dinner.

He decided on Dokebi Bar & Grill on Grand Avenue between Bedford and Driggs Avenues in Willamsburg.

We ordered the Spicy Ribeye, which came with a bunch of great little sides to add to your beef and lettuce wrap: Black and White Rice, Black Beans, Cucumber, Kimichi, Watercress, Onions, and Soybean Paste.

Everything was super fresh and tasty, not to mention very pretty.

But, the best part was cooking at our table with our own lil' BBQ Grill right in the center! I felt like a little kid in arts and crafts class!

Check out our mad grillin' skills:


This place was fun, tasty, and if you hit it at happy hour you can get two draft beers for the price of one! Now who can turn that down?

We highly recommend this joint.

Mmmm...BBQ...